anti-socialism

am devenit anti-sociala. nu ca as fi fost extrem de sociala pe vremuri, da' se agraveaza pe zi ce trece. ma enerveaza 90 % din populatie, iar pe restul doar ii suport. ma enerveaza la culme tanara mama de 60+ ani care striga dupa copilasul de 40+ ani "mami, ai incuiat masina?". ma enerveaza vanzatoarele care se auto-declama specialiste in ale bunului gust si-ti explica "la roz nu merge maro, merge mov si albastru". ma enerveaza bunicile care dau lectii de crestere a copiilor: "nu il mai invata cu mancare din comert, fa-i de casa, ca asa am fost crescuti noi, si eu mi-am crescut trei copii cu supa de cartofi, si n-au murit". ma enerveaza soferii care te claxoneaza pe trecere, si ma enerveaza si soferii care-ti ofera prioritate doar pentru ca ai o masina impunatoare. echivaleaza cu o jignire. ma enerveaza agentii de paza din magazin care stau cu burta pe afara si vor sa dea senzatia unui om fioros. pe cine sa alergi tu nene prin parcare? ma enerveaza magazinele cu politica de "fii dragut cu clientul, si impotriva vointei sale". ma enerveaza vanzatoarele care se tin dupa tine si te intreaba la fiecare 30 de secunde: "cam ce v-ar interesa?" "avem si pe rosu" "sa va arat si o bratara?" "cumparati pentru dvs sau cadou?". nu pricep, o fi vreun client pe lume care chiar sa suporte interogatoriile astea? ma enerveaza cei care vin la fast-food de parca ies "in lume", impopotonati si aranjati ca de disco anii 80, si care se uita la tine, necioplitul in jeansi si maieu, cu o mila atotiertatoare: "poate candva ajungi si tu ca mine, cu curea si pantofi de lac". ma enerveaza ca daca iti iei la restaurant mancare de 60 de ron, si ceri apa plata, e semn clar ca esti zgarcit. macar o cola puteai sa-ti iei si tu, ce dumnezeu. ma enerveaza afisele "estivale" cu tociu si palade si 3 manelisti si mihaela tatu, cu titluri sugestive, gen "prieteni adevarati". ma enerveaza domnitele cu mana fracturata care merg la concerte pe plaja cu tocuri de 12 si se intreaba scandalizate de ce da lumea din cap sau de ce stau fetele (omggg si era faaaaaaaataaaaah) turceste pe jos (fataaaaaaah... statea cracita, iti dai seamaaaa..). ma enerveaza ca in vama, unde te duci ca sa fii liber sa faci ce-ti canta tie cucul, vine el manelistul cu ea pitzipoanca si baietelul lor de 3 ani cu tzepi in fata si chica in spate si incepe el, capul familiei, sa dea dovada de intreaga morala de care dispune: "niste satanisti, nu vezi, nu s-a spalat de-o luna pe plete" (desigur, pletele cu pricina nu-s proaspat geluite... lipsa de bun gust domne). nici fetele nu scapa de ochiu-i exigent: "uite-o si pe-aia, cu cizme vara. cum o fi lasat-o masa sa iasa din casa?".
ma enerveaza. stiu ca nu-i frumos din partea mea. da' nu pot fi zen. nu ma tine. asa ca asa-s eu acum. anti-sociala.

in lipsa de voce

as vrea sa strig, sa-mi urlu dracii. dar am vocea prea subtire, si suna a soprana care plange de dorul iubitului, si nu e cazul. asa ca tac, caci ma tradeaza vocea, si scriu, caci am tastatura loiala.
m-am saturat de morala si de etica. m-am saturat sa mi se spuna din afara ce ar trebui sa simt eu inauntru. m-am saturat ca independenta mea, ca om, sa fie doar de fatada. m-am saturat ca fiecare sa ma judece prin ochii proprii, si sa-si inchipuie ca stie raspunsurile pe care eu le caut inca. m-am saturat de oamenii care nu reusesc sa inteleaga ca nu-mi pasa, chiar nu-mi pasa de ce spune lumea. imi pasa doar sa nu ma mint pe mine. m-am saturat de cei ce nu-nteleg ca nu pot si nu vreau (in ordinea asta) sa ma fac ca nu ma prind ce simt. ma prind, si mi-o asum.
pe ei nu-i pot schimba, am inteles-o. nu-i poti spune unui om care s-a ascuns in cochilia lui o viata ca a gresit. ii distrugi intregul sistem de valori, asa ca o sa lupte impotriva ta, cu sau fara arme. conservarea speciei and all that crap.
pe mine nu vreau sa ma schimb. se intampla sa-mi placa de mine si sa-mi placa lipsa mea de regrete si sa-mi placa ce vad cand ma uit in oglinda. narcisism and all that crap.
acum trebuie doar sa gasesc un mod de a coexista cu falsa pudoare.

oracolul completat

Respect cuvantul dat. This one goes to Cristi. M-am cenzurat, mult. Sa faci bine sa apreciezi.

Intrebare: Cum ma simt azi?

Kosheen – Face in a crowd (we move in silence /looking down)

Intrebare: Voi ajunge departe in viata ?

Snow Patrol – Last Ever Gunman (I do alright in my own way)

Intrebare: Cum ma vad prietenii ?

Zero 7 – Somersault (You talk to loners, you ask how's your week / You give love to all and give love to me / You're obsessed with hiding the sticks and stones / When I feel the unknown /You feel like home, you feel like home)

Intrebare: O sa ma casatoresc ? (lol)

Regina Spektor – Hotel Song (You will never be my / You will never be my fool / Will never be my fool )

Intrebare: Cum mi'as descrie cel mai bun prieten?

Conjure One – One Word (With only one word / You took the ice out of the air again / And put the heat back in the sun again / With only one word)

Intrebare: Care e povestea vietii mele ?

The Cat Empire – Protons, Neutrons, Electrons (I've had complicated dealings / With complicated feelings / And I've cut and bruised and torn. )

Intrebare: Cum a fost la liceu?

The Fray - All at once (there are certain people you just keep coming back to)

Intrebare: Cum tin pasul cu viata?

Gotan Project – Queremos Paz

Intrebare: Care e cel mai bun lucru la prietenii tăi?
Regina Spektor - Fidelity (All my friends say that of course it's gonna get better / Gonna get better / Better better better better better better better)

Intrebare: Ce fac weekendul asta ?

Modest Mouse - Dance Hall

Intrebare: Cine esti tu de fapt ?
Zero 7 – Passing by (Who am I to make a judgment of your life? / I'm only passing by, passing by)

Intrebare: Cum as descrie prostia ?

Snow Patrol – Spitting Games (I struggle for the words, and then give up)

Intrebare: Cum mi’e viata acum ?

Depeche Mode – Dream On (Paying debt to karma /You party for a living /What you take won't kill you / But careful what you're giving)

Intrebare: Ce cantec se va canta la inmormantarea mea?

Modest Mouse – This Devil’s Workday

Intrebare: Cum ma vede lumea?

Portishead – Only You

Intrebare: Ce ma face fericit ?

Telepopmusik – Smile (When I see you smile, / I can face the world, / You know I can do anything. // When I see you smile, / I see a ray of light, / I see you shining right to the way now.)

Intrebare: Ma doreste cineva in secret ?

Koop – Absolute Space

Intrebare: Cum as descrie realitatea societatii ?

The Dresden Dolls – Dirty Business

Intrebare: Cum pot sa ma fac sa fiu fericit ?

Zero 7 - In time (Take some time / Just hang around awhile / Like to sit this silent moment out / I don't want to lose or let you down / Time's just gonna change itself around)

Intrebare: Ce o sa fac cu viata mea ?
April Nine – Deepest Chill

i had a plan...

... but that was where it ended.

Might as well have written this myself. I feel trapped between what could have been and what is. I created so many alternative worlds inside this weird weird brain of mine, that I have no idea whatsoever about how i'm gonna get to enjoy what i have instead of longing after what i don't and never will have.

I was thinking about the past year. I have so few pleasant memories. And not because there weren't great moments. There were, plenty of. But I don't remember those in detail. I simply see shadows of the laughs I had and of the smiles we shared. I do remember, however, in great detail, all the tiny little sordid aspects of my most miserable moments. I remember what my first thought was when I got the news I so dreaded. I remember how it felt being all alone at night, wondering if I'd ever see you again. I remember the conversations I had with you in my mind. I remember how I told you many many times that I should have done things differently. I remember telling you i needed help. All in my head.
Then I got better. I still needed help, only you had your own life to think about. And the help I needed required too much of your attention. So I stood still, watching you smile. And kept my mouth shut.
I still need help. I still know I won't get it until i ask for it. And I still know this is not the right time.
So I stand still, watching you smile. And keep my mouth shut. 'cause i might have had a plan, but that's where our story ended.

instead of hello

Never thought I'd be a blogger. Actually, I'm still pretty unsure as to what this blog-thingie is supposed to be/do/feel whatever. I just felt I could've shared more of me (plenty of that to go), so instead of writing yet another "devious journal" I created this.
So forgive me if I won't sound too enthusiastic about it. Fact is, I'm...not. May be just a phase, so don't you dare get too emotionally involved with this piece of art - my blog.
However, you may well get emotionally involved with me. Everybody ends up doing that, so why bother fighting it?
In the meantime, I'm again stuck on details. Stuck on each grain of sand, stuck on each drop of sea. Stuck on the idea of escape.